The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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