when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
