I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
