I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
