I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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