that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm like, not good at living.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
