The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
