just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
