I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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