I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
