I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
