I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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