My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
