Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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