Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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