There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
