where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
