So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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