Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
