Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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