You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
