It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize