I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
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