I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
