dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
