let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
