His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
