Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
