you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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