i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
