my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
