so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
