Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
