My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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