I need to stop coming to work sober
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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