I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
