So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
