Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
