I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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