I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Randomize