I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
