So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
