It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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