I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
