Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Randomize
