fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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