How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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