I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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