He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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