I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
