You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
