tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
