worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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