I met the friendliest cop last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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