when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
