what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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