at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
