my shit smells like andre
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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